Chasing The Dragon
NICK SMYTH
In a recent survey conducted in China by American
statisticians, they found that most of the population of China was either so
high on opiates that all they wanted to do all day was sit around eating
bamboo, or were just too busy yelling at each other in some incomprehensible
language for the math nerds to muster up the courage to approach any of them.
It is because of this poll that The Onion has decided to begin an
"advice" column geared towards informing everyone in China about
exactly what "the man" was trying to do to their good friend, black
tar heroin. During the recent government conference called to determine the
best course of action regarding the disintegration of western businesses in
China, the prospect of developing opiates into a new cash crop was brought up
by Li Hang Zang, who stated, "there isn't enough for me." Li Hang
Zang argued that if the Chinese government had total control over the opium
supply they could dope the whole country into servitude – as if the lack of
democracy wasn’t already enough. He then went on
to argue that if high tariffs were placed on opium, the peasant class would
have no other choice but to pay them because of their constant need to
"Feed the Beast." The advice this author offers the Chinese people is
that they should be fighting back against any laws passed in favor of opium
because of two reasons. Firstly, if the government has a monopoly on opium
supply, who is to say they will not start “poisoning the low quality stuff to
kill off the poor boxer rebellion?" (as proposed by Prince Duan in an
effort to gain public support). Secondly, Li Hong Zhang's only reason for
wanting to control the opium supply is so that he can hog it all for himself.
No comments:
Post a Comment