Apple Sees a surge in sales thanks
to SOCHUM
by Arundhati Paul for The Onion
SOCHUM gathered today to find
methods for global access to reproductive health services. The committee, hard
at work to save the lives of countless women worldwide, spent the first fifteen
minutes motioning for moderated caucuses. The delegates had so much to say that
one delegate motioned for a moderated caucus for 12 minutes with 4 seconds of
speaking time to discuss the availability of these services in rural areas.
Their desire to speak became especially obvious when the list of motions became
three times as long as the speaker’s list.
The primary goal was to unearth
the cause of diseases such as HIV and AIDS in order to find an appropriate
solution. A delegate of Libya, given a message from Allah to the rest of the
community, vehemently exclaimed “People are having sex at younger and younger
ages. IT’S ALWAYS THE REBELS HAVING SEX!” The obvious solution to this was to
execute the rebels by stoning them.
One anonymous delegate showed her
concern for the issue by playing Evil Apples on her iPhone. When asked how that
would help with allowing global access to reproductive health services, she
replied, “Well my last card was ‘pregnant strippers’ so yeah if we can’t come
to a good conclusion today, then we’re gonna have a bunch of pregnant
strippers…and no one wants that. I wouldn’t have had that revelation if it
weren’t for my phone.” Other delegates nearby agreed that Evil Apples was the
most important way to provide access to these health services globally.
Immediately after, Apple proudly announced a surge in sales internationally.
A delegate of the Holy See, with
her Roman Catholic Bible in hand, quoted Proverbs in an attempt to purify the
committee and stated that “adoption was the best option and abortion is
intrinsically evil.”
A delegate of Venezuela, proudly
shared her best plan ever, the PENIS plan, standing for Prenatal care,
Educational development, Natural birth control, Indigenous population focus,
and Societal stigma mitigation. There was a murmur of excitement and nods of
agreement although when asked about it later, the delegates could only recall
the plan’s name.
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