Jessica Li for The Onion

United Nations to Enter Illegal Drug and Arms Trade

by Jessica Li for The Onion

After the September 11 attacks on the United States World Trade Center last year, the Committee on Crime Prevention and Criminal Justice (CCPCJ) has much to talk about. The topic of choice in the most recent session was the illegal trafficking of drugs and arms in connection with global terrorism. As the delegate from South Africa expressed, this illicit trade is a major source of funds for terrorist groups. Therefore, the United Nations should take advantage of this flourishing market and enter the international drug trade in order to obtain sufficient funding for its anti-terrorism initiatives. It is well-known that this black market creates hundreds of billions of dollars in profit each year, so if the UN can just get a foothold in the industry, it could become one of the world’s leading cartels within just a decade. The UN would never find itself lacking funds ever again. Unfortunately, the delegation from Vietnam opposes any drug trade at all, reminding the committee that the glorious leaders Marx and Lenin would have deeply frowned upon such activity. This only encouraged the delegates from dirty capitalist countries to support the idea. Meanwhile, the delegates from Egypt, Saudi Arabia, and Kuwait have found common ground and joined forces to write a draft resolution about combating religiously motivated terrorism. This is expected to be particularly amusing, given the history of religious terrorist groups in these countries. Sadly, the delegation from North Korea vigorously disagrees, expressing that “religion is irrelevant” and “there will always be terrorists,” so the only reasonable solution is to allow North Korea to constantly monitor everything in every country in order to foresee and prevent attacks. This, however, would be incredibly difficult to implement without at least the assistance and extensive experience of the United States’ NSA, which could not be reached for comment. In contrast, drugs and arms are widely produced and readily available all over the world, and the black market is, in theory, accessible to anyone. We can only hope that the CCPCJ makes the logical decision to increase global safety.

Assigned word count: 350. Actual word count: 343.