Nick Smyth for The Onion

North Korea: “We want your children”

by Nick Smyth for The Onion

On January 20, 2014, North Korea announced that it would be perusing a new progressive policy targeting the youth of not only North Korea, but also the rest of the world. In a speech delivered to the UN General Assembly, the formation of a new branch of the Korean People's Army was announced to a dumbfounded world. The plan outlines the "forced relocation" of 100,000 child solider volunteers from the African countries of Liberia, Nigeria, Congo, and Sudan. The volunteers will then be shipped overnight by UPS from these conflict regions to North Korea, were they will be given food, educational propaganda training, and a single cozy barracks in which to stand and sleep... in exchange for their souls. Almost immediately, questions were raised by Kony and the members of the rest of the assembly regarding human rights, the welfare of the children, child malnutrition in North Korea.

"You can’t have em’, they’re mine!" proclaimed one African leader. The North Korean spokesperson provided an ingenious rebuttal in which he stated, "We have plenty of food... for most of us." He then went on to reveal the specifics of the most glorious leader's benevolent plan to rid the world of the plights of the children of the world. Firstly, he will rid the world of child soldiers by turning them into either ''soldiers or food." Secondly, he will ensure the soldiers’ safety by putting the one man he could spend the rest of his life with at the head of the new "African Corps(es)." Noble Prize winner Dennis Rodman is to be appointed Monster General of the newest branch of the People's Army. He was chosen mainly because the slave citizens of North Korea love Kim Jong Un too much to hurt his feelings by calling his Frankenstein monster a "terrifying beast," even if most North Koreans do secretly believe Dennis Rodman is the Korean version of the abominable snowman. When informed about the announcement, President Obama offered up his own two daughters, Sasha and Malia, saying, “They don’t even look like me; I don’t care what the test says!”

North Korea also addressed the issue of child malnutrition on Tuesday, saying that “stuff happens” and that it is “more efficient to eat than to dig graves.” Many political leaders theorize that North Korea’s new plea for more “defensive troops” may stem from a recent snowstorm in which most of their defenses along the demilitarized zone were “burned for warmth.”