Arundhati Paul for The Onion

UN Legal Committee Recognizes Importance of Drones and Piracy

ARUNDHATI PAUL

Article 13 of the UN Charter states that the Legal Committee shall "initiate studies and make recommendations for the purpose of encouraging the progressive development of international law and its codification." On this line, the Legal Committee has recommended the use of drone warfare by superpowers, especially the United States. Initially it was suggested to use drone bombings on unconventional battlefields, like remote villages, and depending on the success rate, to use it on other battlefields so that the enemy and civilian population are both easily wiped out and maximum damage is done to the cities.

In our civilized modern age, Philip Alston, UN human rights expert, states that “the drones used for bombings - specifically those targeting militants in Pakistan and Afghanistan,” help to maintain international law and, by taking precautions, contribute to world peace (especially in the US). The US has also added to the excitement of the drone policy by keeping it a secret. Through the ability to kill people with no repercussions or accountability, as recommended by the UN, the US military program has also helped to balance the world population. Christof Heyns, a UN special rapporteur has added that such attacks encourage other nations to wipe out populations in neighboring countries. An admirer of the UN, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has praised the UN recommendations and has prepared a fleet of drones to shell South Korea.

In 2012, UN special rapporteur Ben Emmerson investigated all drone-related civilian casualties. Currently, he is working with the UN Human Rights Council to petition the US federal government for videos of their covert drone attacks, arguing that this is critical for inspiring both the future world leaders currently in school, as well as college kids who are not aware of these types of military tactics, about how other kids and their parents may be accidentally killed in different parts of the world. These videos are a great idea to show as a commercial before Bruno Mars catches a grenade for the Super Bowl, specially petitioned by the UN Legal Committee.

Another issue the committee will examine is the problem of the increasingly violent Somali pirates, who have successfully disrupted both international trade and international law, and are trying to balance the world population though killing. The Legal committee has decreed against this unorthodox use of the “balancing scale” and has recommended the use of drones to not only to wipe out the pirates and their villages, but also the fish.

According to BBC Africa analyst Mary Harper, Somali pirates held at least 1,206 hostages in 2011, including 555 seafarers. Numerous killings, as well as cases of abuse and torture, were also reported by the International Maritime Bureau. To view firsthand piracy off the coast of Somalia, a growing profession since the early 21st century, cruise ships have doubled their business, taking tourists to the hotspots.

The Onion reporter quotes a high-ranking Disney official as saying, “To commemorate such staggering figures and the UN Legal committee recommendations, Disney has dedicated a section of the Magic Kingdom to Pirates of Somalia and Their Killing Fields”.