Matthew Chakov for The Onion

Everybody Should Have the Bomb

MATTHEW CHAKOV

While many members of the IAEA committee were debating nuclear power plant regulation or frequency of inspections in order to curtail nuclear terrorism, Yemen believes that the solution to the problem is for everybody to possess nuclear bombs. This might seem crazy to the average reader, but Yemen’s government believes that having all countries owning the bomb is the only way to solve the problem of nuclear terrorism. When asked for a comment, Yemen’s foreign minister Jasswinder Aroussia Samira al-Queda Nessiba Fatima said, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a bomb is a good guy with a bomb.” The Yemini government believes that owning the bomb levels the playing field with countries such as the United States, Russia, and China who they believe have committed far worse atrocities than those committed by the Yemeni government. Upon hearing of Yemen’s solution to the problem of nuclear terrorism, both the Republic of Georgia and Colombia came out of the woodwork and voiced their own opinions. Colombia believes that countries with more bombs are more responsible than countries with less and that is why they propose that all countries own a multitude of bombs. Georgia believes that the “use of bombs promotes world peace”. However, while both Georgia and Colombia agreed with Yemen’s policy of allowing countries to own nuclear weapons, neither believed that Yemen should be able to possess nukes. Colombia cited sexism as the reason for not allowing Yemen to own the bomb. They said, “The name of their country, Yemen, contains the word ‘men’, the placement of which is, as we all know, not coincidental.” Georgia was very concise and slightly ambiguous in their reason when they said, “Yemen is not even good.”