Arundhati Paul for The Onion

BREAKING NEWS: NASA Reports A Groundbreaking Phenomenon – 

Five-Page Research Paper Stops Time

by Arundhati Paul for The Onion

Recently, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) released news of groundbreaking research, stating that time had been stopped. The scientists behind this, the delegates behind Working Paper 1.3 affectionately nicknamed the Drywall Team, showed that anyone can succeed in research, whether they are Stephen Hawking or Burkina Faso in the United Nations Industrial Development Organization (UNIDO).

While the newly discovered scientists monotonously read Working Paper 1.3, a five-page paper, the delegates groaned and moaned and slumped in their seats. Some even shook their heads in dismay. One delegate sitting down, quietly muttered under his breath while two other delegates giggled and high-fived each other enthusiastically in what later became known as the shot heard round the greenhouse gas emissions.

After an hour or so, the scientists discovered that time had stopped and everything they knew had ceased to exist. Realizing that the delegates in the room had become lifeless zombies, the delegate from Burkina Faso and his fellow sponsors continued to read the paper, slowing the pace. Several light-years later, the sponsors finished and time instantaneously resumed.

Afterwards, some delegates said their memory had been wiped out and that they thought they heard crickets chirping in committee because not a single question or comment had been asked or said.

NASA continues to investigate this time-stopping incident and hopes to work alongside Burkina Faso in hopes to discover the cause of this phenomenon. Some scientists suggest that the delegate from Burkina Faso and his fellow sponsors should create another working paper, preferably 100 pages long.

One delegate even asked, “Wait…what was the topic again?”

Assigned word count: 350.

Actual word count: 281