Arundhati Paul for The Onion

Apple Sees a surge in sales thanks to SOCHUM

by Arundhati Paul for The Onion

SOCHUM gathered today to find methods for global access to reproductive health services. The committee, hard at work to save the lives of countless women worldwide, spent the first fifteen minutes motioning for moderated caucuses. The delegates had so much to say that one delegate motioned for a moderated caucus for 12 minutes with 4 seconds of speaking time to discuss the availability of these services in rural areas. Their desire to speak became especially obvious when the list of motions became three times as long as the speaker’s list.

The primary goal was to unearth the cause of diseases such as HIV and AIDS in order to find an appropriate solution. A delegate of Libya, given a message from Allah to the rest of the community, vehemently exclaimed “People are having sex at younger and younger ages. IT’S ALWAYS THE REBELS HAVING SEX!” The obvious solution to this was to execute the rebels by stoning them.

One anonymous delegate showed her concern for the issue by playing Evil Apples on her iPhone. When asked how that would help with allowing global access to reproductive health services, she replied, “Well my last card was ‘pregnant strippers’ so yeah if we can’t come to a good conclusion today, then we’re gonna have a bunch of pregnant strippers…and no one wants that. I wouldn’t have had that revelation if it weren’t for my phone.” Other delegates nearby agreed that Evil Apples was the most important way to provide access to these health services globally. Immediately after, Apple proudly announced a surge in sales internationally.

A delegate of the Holy See, with her Roman Catholic Bible in hand, quoted Proverbs in an attempt to purify the committee and stated that “adoption was the best option and abortion is intrinsically evil.”

A delegate of Venezuela, proudly shared her best plan ever, the PENIS plan, standing for Prenatal care, Educational development, Natural birth control, Indigenous population focus, and Societal stigma mitigation. There was a murmur of excitement and nods of agreement although when asked about it later, the delegates could only recall the plan’s name.